Photo by Thomas Chauke
This past weekend, I asked the men in one of our mental health WhatsApp groups to tell me about their relationships with their fathers â but only one of 35 participants responded saying it was too delicate a subject to discuss in the open.
"I went looking for that man and he didn't accept me as his son, he doesn't even care, this is why I'm experiencing such difficulty in my life,â he said.
I was not surprised by his revelation; this is a common lived experience for many men and boys in South Africa.
More than 45% of children live with their mothers in South Africa according to the 2023 General Household Survey.
I was reminded of how we are built to endure and survive even the darkest of hurts; overcoming the pain of feeling unwanted and unworthy to the person who knowingly deserted you after playing a part in bringing you into the world.
Fatherâs Day is bittersweet for those like me who have never known a father's love. Some have the privilege of becoming great fathers without the guidance one would expect of their paternal authority, however, others live in this void, and may never escape this feeling of disorientation.
I met my father for the first time when I was 21 and saw him maybe a handful of times before he died about 12 years later. We met for the first time at the Look n Listen store in Menlyn Mall, he was there browsing through CDs and I was certain that was him. We shook hands and shared an awkward silence until he called out my name, Kgau (short for Kgaugelo), which was equally refreshing and confusing. What would you say after 21 years? We didn't talk for long; he bought me The Game's debut album, The Documentary, and gave me some money (I mean, I had to hustle him), then we walked away after exchanging a heartfelt hug.
I was questioned for choosing Poppa Was a Player by Nas and Poppa Was a Rolling Stone by The Temptations as my father's day tunes, but these songs remind me of conversations I had with my father when I visited and learned that he was ill and going blind. He told me that he was fond of the ladies and frequenting stokvels and shebeens (social gatherings for black people during apartheid in South Africa), which I believe contributed to his worsening health over the years. Though we were delighted by the little time we spent together and listening to his stories, it hurt to see him in that state, living in the backroom of his family home in Mamelodi.
Iâm most fascinated by the journey of those who grew up fatherless or with bad ones. Many people pity us, seeing us as doormats who lack boundaries. Still I think that they fail to understand how transcendent it is to transform that healthy longing for that kind of love into the ability to be caring and deep empathy.
Our generosity may be seen as a weakness, but our compassion is frequently a mask for the affection we rarely or never receive from the person we still consider our hero.
I may come off gloomy or even envious of those who wake up to warm hugs, smiles, and laughter in their homes on this annual day, but let me explain: The thought of my own child one day making me breakfast or baking me a cake and my wife expressing gratitude for having chosen me as the father of our children persists in my mind.
The truth of the wound I carry sometimes creeps into my head, attempting to persuade me that I may be unworthy of such an honourable privilege. I think of my many friends who have never told their fathersâ stories and are afraid of discovering that their father doesn't love them or even care enough to look for them.
Peace & Love.
KG.
Watch or listen to our episodes on fatherhood here Manned Up Conversation
Thank you for sharing your experience, KG. I respect your sensitivity in acknowledging your pain and being cognizant of his shortcomings. It took me several decades to forgive my father. Despite our emotional conflicts and personal differences we made an effort to connect with respect and cultivate a genuine relationship. Ultimately, as our journey unfolded, he became my hero before God called him home January 17, 2009 - three days after his 80th birthday.
It's always a very hard thing to navigate, making space to acknowledge that you care whilst being honest about how much hurt you have suffered from and because of this person. That challenge is magnified when, in addition to having not had a meaningful relationship with one's own father, there were no father figures present.
It's never too late to reframe that though, if you are willing to do the work of unpacking what you feel and putting yourself out there to establish connections that help you experience a semblance of what you'd have hoped the sonship experience would be.